Steve's Ramblings

MSNBC – When Does Autism Start?

That’s a good question. For our family, it wasn’t early on with our first child. He started off fine, then regressed over the past couple of years. It’s not autism like many of you think. While I am certainly not an expert, autism covers a really big spectrum. Our son is on the upper end (high functioning) of the spectrum, and is mild at that. If he’s mild, I would hate to think how difficult every day is for someone who is not mild on the upper range of the spectrum. Our son has what is commonly known as Aspergers. Aspergers presents itself very differently from most other forms of autism, but similar in other aspects. He is a very intelligent, bright boy. He does have the ability to focus for long periods of time on a single task or thought. His passion keeps him from interacting like others, and it keeps him from remembering to do the simple things in life that others take for granted without being reminded constantly. Taking showers, brusing his teeth, coming down with the time meets his schedule is a constant daily battle. Interruption of a daily routine (once established) can make us reset to ground zero and start the long process again of setting up that routine.

Fortunately, the family has been working with a very good psychologist to help us fix these issues. They problems have been going on for years, but we’ve only engaged with doctors over the past two. He’s ultimately smart — too much for his own good. Now we are trying to work through these issues to get the last years he is here turned into bearible ones. Also, he needs this support if he’s ever to make it on his own in college or afterwards. God help us all…

Recently, we received the obituary from Mrs. Stapelfeldt. She was my wife’s voice coach for more than ten years. She made such a big impression on my wife, that our youngest daughter is named after her. Here is a summary of her life, as written in her obituary:

Katalin Szekeres Stapelfeldt was born in Hungary on March 4th in 1920. Her childhood was spent on horseback and at the piano. Katalin came from a cultured and privileged family. She received her education in Hungary and Austria. She lost most of her family during World War II and struggled to survive under the Communist regime, returning to the conservatory of music for yet another degree. She applied her education and her unique gift to develop a well-recognized music, mostly piano and voice, practice in Wilton, Connecticut.

Throughout her career she lectured at several universities to teachers and professors on the Koday solfège method general and her own theories of pedagogy. She was loved by her fellow musicians in Europe and in the United States for her bold, bubbly personality and humor. Nothing seemed impossible to her.

Through her teaching, she helped many challenged children to reach a happy and healthy adulthood. She brought out the best and the most of every one’s potentials. Many of her students kept in touch with her well into their adult life for 20 to 30 years. Katalin retired in Churchton, Maryland but acquired a few select students and held recitals at the First Baptist Church in Shady Side. Her old students, now adults, carne from as far as Washington DC and Connecticut. Her home was open and welcoming not only to her family, but to all those who came from near and far to visit. Many felt a great loss of a great lady of music. She died peacefully in her home Christmas Eve, 2004. She will be missed.

Katalin left behind her husband of 47 years, Wulf Dietricht Stapelfeldt, her daughter Borbala Cosson, granddaughter Victoria Felicia Sutton Garte and two great granddaughters, Nicold Fleicia Garte and Maxi Michelle Garte.

Take one cold winter night — mix in slightly wet roads, one truck, two cars, and one driver off in her own world. The recipe for success, right? Not hardly.

My wife was in an accident last night. Fortunately, no one was hurt badly. The second driver was simply not paying attention. She pulled in front of my wife as if she didn’t exist. My wife’s big truck didn’t get hurt too bad – but we’ll be without it for a while.

The funny thing about a situation like an accident is that memories come back afterwards.

I can’t say enough about the professionalism of the police department. The main officer in control was just that — in control. He said that a three car accident is the worst kind. I sort of missed that, but it could have been because I was outside for 2 hours in the cold.

So, now we get to fight with the insurance companies (especially the one from the driver not paying attention), and with the local body shops. Perhaps we’ll get lucky, perhaps it’ll be a fight. Time will tell.

The metal and the plastic will be repaired. Everyone is safe – and that is all that really matters.

Well, they’re calling for snow again — the third (and last) in a series of storms. The kids were home from school on Thursday and on Friday due to roads in the neighborhoods. The way that they make up school days is cool – they just tack 15 minutes or so onto the end of every day. It’s nothing for the kids, and easy for the schools to administer. It was used for Hurricane Isabel last September, and for the ice storm that hit in late Januarys. Virginians don’t do snow well – and do ice even worse. Funny because ice is more of a problem here than snow is.

The weather has been really funky lately – but shouldn’t be surprising. Southern Virginia is always at the bottom of where (weatherman alert) the cold air and the warm air hit. We never know if it’ll be snow or rain until it comes.

I personally believe that when it is under 30 degrees (F) that no one should work outside. Of course, that doesn’t include people who drive snowplows, taxicabs, and the brave men and women in the police, fire, and armed services. I guess I just mean the plain ol’ folks like me.

It’s currently a bit less than 30 and I’ll be outside at 9:00 working on my deck. Of course, I wouldn’t be there unless the guy helping me was going to be there. You see, I have been getting a great deal of help with the deck. D is, among other things, a master carpenter. He has an eye for doing what looks good, and making it come to fruition with what appears to be little effort. The deck addition is 500 square feet – huge by our neighborhood standards. While the wood has not been cheap, the labor certainly has. We’re close to finishing it other than a couple of sets of stairs and a few handrails. Then, we need to finish up the other items like the posts, adding lights, and so on.

D is an interesting character. He’s a tough guy, raised in a tough household with a sometimes abusive father. He’s risen above that but is really tough on his youngest son. He absolutely loves his son, but keeps a firm grip on him as well. His son is a character with a smart mouth – something that I think he should lose else he’ll get a belt or hand to help him lose it. Guess it is more like the relationship I had with my father than I care to admit. I’m at least trying to rise above that with my son.

Time to bundle up…

Well, I interview this week. The position sounds like a great one – with lots of work and lots of opportunity to do my own thing. In fact, “doing my own thing” is a requirement. No running to the boss everytime something needs done. Lots of autonomy and the ability to work on my own is needed. Lots of hours are also required while developing the department.

I heard something about the present company that is bad. Too many big wigs jumping ship for me to feel comfortable. I don’t want to go down with a sinking ship as there will be too many others grasping for the few lifeboats in the area – if you know what I mean.

Of course, I am also making a list of who to bring with me (if that is possible) and who I would definately not bring. My immediate co-workers – one, maybe.

So, I get to sit back and wait for the recruiter to make the next move (or I’ll call). I do need to write a thank you letter – guess I need the interviewer’s title, address and so on. The things you think about when your brain slows down over the weekend.

I think I’ll go grocery shopping with S today, and maybe we’ll get dinner out – just the two of us. It doesn’t take much for me to be happy!

The flu sucks. Of course, it’s likely not the flu. Certainly my idea of the flu from when I was a kid was anything that made you spend more time in the restroom than out.

That was yesterday and last night.

It kicked my butt.

Other than being dog tired, I think I’m over it. What’s another sick day at the office. I hate to miss work, although it’s more fun now than ever…

The up side to the whole flu thing is that I jump started my weight loss program that is new for this year. I will have one entry that will track progress as I try to drop 25 or more lbs. It’ll be private for a while to see if I actually do lose anything. Of course I will lose some, but need to make the time to exercise. I even bought ear warmers and gloves to run with during the winter. Then there’s my MiFi XM. If that’s not motivation, I don’t have it!

I know it’s all about lots-o-exercise and stopping alcoholic beverage consumption, not really about what I eat in general. Walking and running with XM in my ears should help.

I had the unfortunate ability today to watch the Dr. Phil show – all about the new weight loss challenge. I didn’t get excited about it – but made me realize that I’m not so bad. However it’s not about anyone but me.

Maybe it’s time to join the new YMCA (okay, it’s not open yet – so should be a safe bet).

2004 – what a year.

Lots of doctor visits with my son – diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. He’s bright as hell, but has some problems for which there is no magic pill.

You really should read about it – there are more children than ever being diagnosed. Here is one Aspergers support web site – but it’s only a start:

http://www.aspergers.org/

His interests continue to be rockets. Read about Aspergers and you’ll understand his intense focus on this hobby turned lifestyle. Maybe he’ll be a rocket scientist someday – if he could only get through middle school.

My daughter really came into her own this year. She is a truly wonderful little girl that will almost always find a way to make you laugh. She’s maturing physically as well, so has classic PMS signs. She was chosen to be Mary in the Christmas pagent this year, and had to hold a real baby. She even sang a solo in church this year. Took quite a bit of guts to do that – must have her Mom’s stage presence.

My wife took a change in her job this year – working some insane hours to be home for the kids after school. It is far more than not wanting to pay the daycare bill. It was to spend time, one-on-one with our son. It’s necessary to work through the math and science. He knows the material but needs the reinforcement to get it started and finish the work. She is a genuine saint, and has more patience than I can ever hope to have. Guess I’m the bad cop in this relationship. She will never know how much this means to the family or to me.

For me, 2004 was a pretty same-ol, same-ol year. The job didn’t change much, the responsibilities didn’t change much. The only thing that did change was my boss. Our team had three different supervisors in 6 months. While I like our boss now, she knows nothing about what we do – only to make my life hell much of the time. Many people think I run the department – not her. While I’ve never said that, it has apparently been shown by my actions (stepping up and taking the lead on many projects). I did get a promotion — in title only this year. I actually lost money in the deal if I’m going to stick around for another year. Time to look elsewhere, not sit and bitch about the situation, cause I’m just not a sit and bitch guy. My motto for 2005 – lead, follow, or get the hell out of my way.

So, back to the opportunity I spoke of earlier. I submitted my “qualifications” but will have to wait until 2005 to see if a change is in order. It would be good for the family financially, but would likely take me out of the house more than I am now. I like comfort, and dislike change. If the opportunity is right, and I am right for the opportunity, I will weigh my options and perhaps discuss this with my boss. I will never ever burn bridges. This town is way to small for me to shut the door such that I am never invited back in.

Happy 2005 – whatever it brings and whatever I make of it!

I don’t really know where to begin this blog. Today was a wonderful day. I spent it at my Mom’s house. I woke up late – a bit of the blessing of vacation. Both kids slept longer than I did – also a blessing.

Today’s real surprise was having lunch with a person who was more than a friend – an intimate part of my past. M was a girl that I met in the late 70’s – about 25 years ago. When I met her, I didn’t even begin to know what an important part in life she would play. I both grew the most, and hurt the most in that two year period of my life. The bounds of my “goodie two shoes” life was lifted as I got to experience both the “other side of the tracks” and true love for the first time.

M came from a different life. Her father died when she was quite young – close to five, I think. Her mom remarried a few years later – but to the biggest jerk you could imagine. M was subject to, among other things, psychological abuse for years at the hands of her stepfather. What a glorious victory I saw her gain over him in the years that I knew her growing up.

In the time I spent with M in the late 70’s, I got to know the true definition of a strong woman. She was definitely an oldest child – and a sort of second mother to all of her siblings during that difficult time. Never has she blamed her mother for any problems – they just were part of her life. M was rebellious, to say the least, but never to someone that she respected. She knew that there were some people trying to do the best for her – just that it wasn’t always in their control or within their ability to carry it out.

Today, I got to retrieve a piece of my heart that was missing.

I have such strong memories of that time – very good and very bad. At the time I met M, my heart had never felt so much joy. I never before felt such completeness in my life, so much that two people could really become one. All of the sappy cards for couples that I had seen in the Hallmark store were just bull until I met M. I was finally complete – at least at that time in my life. I had finally met my soul mate.

Memories that make me smile…

– Backing her car out of her parent’s driveway with her recovering from her appendectomy

– Driving west on the turnpike – trying to figure out how far we could drive without getting caught; knowing we would have to turn around

– Skipping school (her) and work (me) to just spend the day together – and answering the phone when her stepfather called

– The long, sleepy drives from my college to hers

– The smile that lasted me until I saw her again

As we grew together, we also grew up. There was the reality of life, such as college, where we couldn’t be together every waking day. We had considered marriage a few times, but knew that we were just asking for disaster. Neither of us wanted that for what was so perfect.

Time and distance finally separated us – but only through a bitter battle that I believe neither of us wanted. It was necessary, but oh, so painful. The words said at the steps to the home of a mutual friend burned in my ears and damaged my heart. Out of the 50 million or so words I had heard and all of the experiences I had before I was 25, this was the only conversation for which I could remember every word. The hurt was with me for years. Breaking up is hard to do – what a gross understatement. The woman I had given half my soul to was gone…

And we lost touch…

And I always wondered what happened to M…

And years went on, my life changed. I met my new best friend – and future wife – and future mother of my children; the woman who I would love exclusively – forever. The woman who I married and have been completely in love with for almost 20 years. The one who shares my hopes and dreams.

And I always wondered what happened to M.

Did I want to ever have M get in the way of my wife and my life? Never.

Did I ever wonder how M was? Always.

Why, when I was happily married to a woman I am absolutely crazy about?

Curiosity? Sure.

Romantic? Funny, but no – not at all. Then it hit me…

M was, above everything else, the best friend I had ever had at that point in my life. I had never had anyone who I could tell everything to, who I could confide in, who I could completely trust my life with. Who was so much a part of me that you couldn’t tell where I stopped and she started. I was missing a part of who I was and what made me be me.

So, I tracked M down.

It took a while, and I got a bit lucky.

And, about a year ago, I tracked down an email address. And I wrote…

Dear M,

How are you…

And M replied,

Fine, how are you…

So much to say – but no idea how…

We exchanged a few emails. M was back in the same general area where she grew up – a distance from where I was. A couple of marriages, a couple of children, and she had relocated. She was in a committed relationship – good since I didn’t want the wrong idea from anyone, including her.

It wasn’t about romance – it was about the time in my life where she was such a huge part. A part of me.

Months went by – nothing but a few emails and a single, long phone call.

Then came today – where I got to see her for the first time in almost 25 years.

I let her know I was coming to town – and wanted to see if we could get together. It might be awkward for the kids (both sets), but that didn’t really come into play. I wanted a chance to catch up with M – just the two of us.

We got that chance today. My stomach was jumping through hoops today – not knowing what to expect. I was so excited to see her but didn’t quite know what to expect.

I wasn’t sure I was willing to take my heart and my soul back to the place where she had once hurt me; where she had once so loved me… where I had once so loved her…

“I am so glad our paths crossed this time today…” (Dave Matthews Band)

When I first saw her car – I knew instantly it was M. Not by the car – but my heart. My friend and I were to be reunited.

The reunion was more special than I could have imagined. I was instantly transported back in time to the happy times. The sadness was forever gone in my memory. I was once again able to only remember the happy times that had been shared with M – and the memories that helped to make me what I am today.

We talked of happy times, not sad ones. The talk was about our friendship, our families, our children. There was nothing sad about it at all.

The friend that had once been half of who made me was a smiling, real person – not a painful memory.

No longer would I have the emotional pain as a finally memory of our time together on the earth. Happiness marred by the simple relationship transactions that make up part of every life.

Tonight, I will go to bed with a smile on my face knowing what a difference my friend had made in my life and what a difference I had in hers.

Sleep well, M. Sleep well, friend.