Father’s Day and Weighted Grades

19. June 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: kids

Today is Father’s Day, so I wanted to reflect back on what that means to me. The photo here is from many years ago, taken when we were headed to cut down a Christmas tree in Virginia.

Last night, I learned that a long time friend lost her Dad. Not only was she his baby, but his namesake. Martin became Martie when her parents realized that this was their last child and there were to be no boys to take his exact name. So his name was changed to Martie – close enough to pass on. I haven’t seen Martin in over 30 years, I remember our interactions 35 years ago with clarity. He was tough at first appearance, but only because he wanted you to know that you’d better treat his daughter right. I could never fault him for that! Martie always held her father up with a reverence uncommon in our generation. Having a father pass just hours before Father’s Day must be difficult for her and her sisters.

According to Wikipedia, “Father’s Day is a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.” When I reflect back on my time as a father and the time with my own father, I have somewhat of a different point of view. Without getting into too many details, let’s just say that my experience with my own Dad growing up was a bit strained. In high school, I didn’t get much support from him. I was berated for bad grades with little respect to the enormous course load and course difficulty. At our high school in the late 1970s, we didn’t have course weighting, so an A in home economics was superior to a B in Calculus. My class ranking was only mediocre due to the six math and five science courses taken from 8th – 12th grade. My education, however, was outstanding. Not the same in his eyes.

I had early support during sports, although that wained in the later years as I just kept playing. During college, I had almost zero financial support compared to my four other siblings (I was the middle of five). I think I earned his respect when I not only finished school, but took the time to earn much of the money to complete my education without significant student loans. I’m positive that I am looked at in a much better light now that I’m an adult with a successful marriage, two good kids of my own, and, important to him, a very successful career. My father is in his mid 80’s now, in relatively poor health, and with a woman that is both his landlord and his sometimes boss. She likely has no clue how much she uses him – it’s just the kind of person she is. They were once married, divorced but stayed together, and now simply share an address. He does all that he can to please her with what I can suspect, getting very little in return. If he had only had put forth the same effort with my Mom, he would have enjoyed a much healthier second half of his life.

While I don’t want to slam him for the job he did while I was growing up (and later on), I often compare myself to him in determining my own success as a parent. My two children are as different as night and day and I am probably a very different parent in their eyes as well. So there are no doubts, I just want to state emphatically that I love my children more than anyone knows. It’s not more or less love – just adapted to their polar opposite personalities.

Our son is a late-diagnosed Asperger’s kid who is struggling to find his way. He often escapes into his room and the Internet to help. I don’t understand him most of the time, but do know that he’s still a kid, scared to death of what lies out there. He has no friends that he associates with that are not online, although gets along with others (including his instructors) at school. Once school was over, he really hasn’t been out of the house by himself, other than to shop for some groceries or play taxi for the family. He’s applying for jobs only when he can do so without meeting people (via online applications), and will be very hesitant to meet with someone who calls him in for an interview. I’m sure that the job applications are few and far between due to this fear. To say that our father-son relationship is strained would be a complete understatement. I don’t understand what he’s going through, so I walk softly without saying much for fear of setting him off and starting a fight with his Mom because of something I said that is taken incorrectly. His mother is his real parent most of the time, and the fact that he has let her stay “in”makes me grateful. We know that the best thing for him would be for him to live elsewhere, which should provide him with some respect for how much gets done by others on his behalf today. We’re also very fearful of him living by himself, in continued isolation while the world goes by.

Our daughter is the complete opposite. She is 17, outgoing, with tons of friends and not at all fearful of getting out there and interacting with others. She’s a good student when she applies herself, and is looking forward to college away from home as a fantastic opportunity to meet others and find herself. She has been dating the same boy for 18+ months, although he lives 2 hours to the north. She doesn’t want to think about the fact that this won’t last forever, but is enjoying the moment. I am closer to my daughter than I ever thought possible at 17. I frustrate her, and she frustrates me, but we love each other and respect each other and laugh together often. People often say that it’s easy to tell that she’s my daughter – from brown eyes to dimples and everything in-between. I’m cherishing the time was have before she leaves, fearing the empty house when she does.

So while I had a strained relationship with my father growing up, I have tried to understand and grow from that experience. When I reflect on my job as a father thus far, I’m not sure it’s been any more successful in some ways, yet far superior in others. I guess it would depend on which of my children you ask. I’d tell you that you might want to ask my daughter, but if you ask my son, hope that my grades as a father are done with a weighted grade scale in mind.

Springtime in Connecticut

31. May 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: Spring

This past weekend, Memorial Day in the US, ushered in Summer. This meant a three day weekend for most workers, including both of us. It was time to garden. So, we cleaned up the front beds, pulled dying plants, mulched, and installed a permanent edge strip around the beds to keep the grass on one side and the mulch on the other. We had some significant damage to a few of the plants, so cut them way back to encourage new growth.One of the things that really caught our eye after this winter is that several of the plants displayed the best flowers we have seen in our three years. We arrived after much of the flowering had completed (August), but the next two years were not overly amazing. This year, after the harshest year in decades, the flowers just popped. We’re enjoying every bit of it and doing our part to have the same sights in the front of the house next year!

Bad Things Happen to Good People

08. May 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: Connecticut, friends, kids

Our family relocated to New England almost three years ago. I moved here first, spending almost three months solo while Sue sold the house, the kids finished school, and I dove into a new job while looking for a place to live. We knew that moving the kids at this point was risky, but that better schools and an overall better environment was worth the trade-off. The other major driver was that my company was going under fast and, as the primary breadwinner in the house, needed to secure a job with a company that actually had a future. Taking a couple of young adults that had spent their entire formative life in one area and dropping them in a new town 500 miles to the north was going to be tough on them.

The move has been very good overall. We’ve adjusted to the extreme weather changes, the school system, and the fact that three years later, we are still the “new” family in town. At least we thought we had until this week.

Our daughter is having her Junior Prom this weekend. She is incredibly resilient when it comes to finding friends and developing bonds with those friends. She has been the primary support for a few of those new friends since she didn’t have any of the history that comes along with the majority of these kids growing up in the same small town (3 elementary schools, 1 middle school and 1 high school). Most have gone to school together for 11 years now, she joined them 9 years into that journey. As with many American towns, there is a portion of high school kids that drink and a portion that smoke weed. There are also a portion of kids that do neither – mostly because they have decided not to (not because there isn’t ample opportunity). Our kids are both in the “do neither” camp.

So with the prom comes the inevitable after prom parties. There will certainly be both booze and weed at a bunch of those, and likely a few serious automobile accidents. To help “protect” our daughter, we told her a month ago that she could hold her after prom party at our house. We would clear out the beer from the fridge and the booze from the basement bar. The kids have access to the in-ground hot tub, the TV, food, and a place to crash. Keys would be collected and they could have a great time. All in all, about 25 kids were expected to show – that is until late this week.

It seems that being the “new” family in town meant that parents didn’t know us, so were stepping in and rescinding their kids’ previous acceptance and redirecting them to different parties where they knew the kids. At least one of those parties will have booze – the kids have been told to “smuggle” it in – but that is apparently not a concern to some of these parents. You see, the parents have known each other for 11 or more years, so can overlook the transgressions of the kids because of this history. So even though the party here will be safe and the kids will have fun, the parents have determined that their kids won’t really be at risk elsewhere because of the history with the host parents – good, bad, or indifferent. At some level, it would make sense if we had the same history, but at another level, it sucks for my kid being in the house that simply doesn’t have the history here. The real rub is that the former “friend” of our daughter is really nothing but a bully, manipulating the situation so she is in control. The parents of others are completely blind to the bullying that is going on.

So we’re dealing with our child facing the reality of having a very disappointed prom evening – and leaving a bad set of memories for her only high school prom. The one thing that she has going for her is that in less than two years, she will be in college, at a campus where the playing field is level once again. While our daughter is the ultimate survivor, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this high school crap just go away.

On a final note, my wife said yesterday that this was the first time she regretted moving north. While there would have been other issues had we stayed in Virginia, this simply wouldn’t have been one of them. We were established with a large group of friends – parents of our children’s childhood friends. Here, we’re still the new family in town, even after three years.

Living the high life in Miami

09. April 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: Miami, pictures, vacation

Breakfast, Intercontinental style. I don’t get to eat salmon often, so take Not at every opportunity. We’re staying at the Intercontinental in downtown Miami now, and this is the standard breakfast faire for the club level rooms. Sue is working her tail off, but finishes up at 7:00 tonight. Since we don’t leave until Monday afternoon, we’ll have Sunday and Monday mornings to indulge together.

I have been the “official photographer” for the conference and have daily assignments for photo opportunities. Today is the biggest one as the board turns over, including the current president. Most of the attendees are MDs, but lots of techs as well. Almost everyone is very nice and I have not been introduced to anyone who expects to be call DR or Mr. For being most of the world leading bone density and osteoporosis researchers, they are very down to earth in this environment.

Now, it’s time to dress up so I do my final photo assignment before an actual full day of vacation. Tomorrow, South Beach!

Two Dozen Years

04. March 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: Anniversary, family


It’s been twenty four years since my wife and I said “I do.” We were in Connecticut then as we are today, but have put thousands and thousands of miles under our feet and have lived in four homes in four states. We started in Gettysburg, PA, then moved to the Phoenix area in Arizona where our children were born. Then, we moved on to Richmond, VA for ten outstanding years where our kids grew up and we grew into some unbelievable adult friendships and our kids grew with their “other” parents. Finally, we moved to Connecticut, back to where Sue grew up and where I visited briefly to get married so many years ago.

Twenty-four years have been both good and challenging to us personally and to us as a couple. There have been bad times and good, horrible rentals and great homes, nightmare jobs and seemingly perfect ones. The children have grown up without the benefit of living in one location, without the benefit of close relatives who could pick up a night or weekend to let their parents get away and reconnect. They have learned that they can adapt, survive, and thrive in a new environment. They benefit from experiences that their new friends have only read of, and are more resilient than all their friends combined.

We have camped on the beaches of Mexico, gone 4-wheeling through rural Arizona, spent a night on the Hopi Reservation, and survived driving all our worldly goods across the country a few feet apart, in separate vehicles and without communications for a week, just 3 months after getting married. We’ve driven the family back across the country to relocate to a new area without friends, only to find friends that turned into family. And a decade later, drove 500 miles to the north where we had no family, only one job, and had little to look forward except opportunity, challenge, and financial reality of a new, very difficult financial reality.

Over the two dozen years, we’ve gone through periods of unemployment, extended travel, the birth of two children and the purchase of three homes, and we’ve done more than most married couples will ever do in their lifetime.

After all of this, we’ve survived stronger than most couples. We are starting into our 25th year of marriage, significantly stronger than most couples. I am so thankful of each day of those 24 years, ready to keep adding onto the daily count as we keep on progressing down the road.

Biggest Winner – Year 2

18. February 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: cycling, weight

On Monday, my company’s Biggest Winner contest kicked off. What this means is six weeks of tracking everything I eat and every bit of exercise. I’m on a team with three gals that I haven’t met, so I’m really in this myself. As I said previously, I am now weighing myself daily, tracking weight, body fat and so on. The results have been interesting but not overly so in the past 16 days. I have peaks of weight, swinging by as much as 5 pounds from my low, but mostly staying within a pound or two daily. My goal for this year’s Biggest Winner contest is to drop my body fat percentage down from the current high 20’s to at least the mid 20‘s. BMI will, of course, follow the downward movement.

As far as activity goes, I have been doing nothing but shoveling and spinning. Lots of shoveling and twice a week spinning. Today’s spinning was one of my favorites classes, and the second time we did a 10 lap repeat. 90 seconds of position 1 to 2 jumps, 30 seconds of speed work, followed by 90 seconds of a hard hill climb in position 3. Repeat for a total of 10 laps. It is both fun and totally exhausting. At the end, my legs were spent.

This weekend, I am also purchasing bike shoes that clip into the pedals of the spin bikes. This is not a significant cash outlay, but from what everyone has told me, will be well worth the efficiency increases and decreased knee pressure during the intense spin classes. This means that I will also need to change out the pedals on my actual bike, but will wait to do that until after the weather warms up and I get out there riding for real.

So with the huge snow piles on every corner and the melting snow on every trail, you’ll find me inside at one of my two gyms somewhere between the cycling studio and the row of treadmills.

A new view of myself

07. February 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: weight

Last weekend, I bought my first scale ever. I have always counted on sneaking in a view of my weight in the locker room at work, the one in the hall near the gym, or the scary views at the occasional visits to the doctor’s office. None are consistent and except for the one in the locker room, none allow myself to take that true, naked weight.

I purchased a Conair brand Weight Watcher’s WW52 model on sale at Target. Not only do I get weight, but it adds pounds of body fat, calculates body fat percentage, bone density, pounds of body water, and finally, the dreaded BMI. Of course, I had to set up my age and height so it could perform the appropriate calculations. There is room for four profiles but is likely I’ll be the only one to set myself up for regular calculations. The scale is set up in the basement bathroom, the one used for my daily showers and prep, and the one with ceramic tile to provide a nice and level platform for consistent daily measurements.

After setting up my profile, I have been weighing myself daily and recording each of the available metrics shown. While I won’t keep this daily ritual up for long, it allows me to look at the variables to see if time of day or other items make a difference to get accurate readings. Over the first week, I don’t have many findings, but the initial readings have shown that my weight can vary by as much as 1.5 pounds during the day (morning and afternoon measurements today). It will be interesting to see what I can learn after the full 28 days of February.

And the snow keeps coming…

29. January 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: Connecticut, snow, winter

During the past month, 71.1 inches of snow has fallen at Bradley International Airport near Hartford. That is a short 10 or so miles from my home. Since the temps have been above freezing for the entire month (sans a couple of total hours), the snow that has fallen is still mostly here. I am actually running out of places to put the snow. The streets have become practically one-way streets and oncoming cars while you are attempting to pull out at a corner are accidents waiting to happen. So, my exercise over the past month has been largely relegated to snow shoveling. My arms have been getting quite the workout, and noted in the shower this morning that they have started getting some definition again. Running outside would be a dangerous activity as well, so that has been put on hold until at least a bit of thawing of the huge snowbanks helps increase my visibility. Even my attempts to make it to the gym have been foiled by the weather. Our gym even requests that you change shoes when you get to their facility – further proof of the terrible weather outside.

On Wednesday, I had full intention to make it to my spinning class at our YMCA, but the roads were again a mess, making that an unwise trip. I could have found the car facility closed or my car in a ditch. Neither of these would have made me happy, so I opted to stay home. Thursday, another 12 inches of snow fell on my house, forcing a solid 90-minute effort to clear the driveway so I could take my wife to the airport that afternoon. A full day of work, albeit telecommuting, kept me quite busy for the day.

Tomorrow, I will spin again for only the second time with the “new” instructor. I’m looking forward to a great aerobic hour and feeling like I have actually accomplished something during the month of January to help keep my legs, rather than just my biceps, in shape.

A great birthday present

27. October 2010 · Write a comment · Categories: birthday, friends

I turned 50 last week. That day was like almost any other. My wife was still in Canada for work, my youngest still needed to go to school, and I still needed to show up and work my 8 – 10 hours at my cubical before taking our daughter to her violin lesson at UConn. Not having my wife here pretty much stunk, but it would have still been work for her, school for our daughter, and work for me, then the drive to UConn for the hour lesson. I wouldn’t even get to talk to my wife until after 9 that night.

When I first got home, I noticed that I had a box from Virginia friends on the counter. It was probably the highlight of my day, at least at that point. Seeing the return address from our friends Heather & Dave made me know that it was special. We’ve been friends with them for 11+ years now and Sue and Heather were pretty much joined at the hip for most of the last 8 years we were in Richmond. I have always thought of Heather as a little sister – sometimes a pain in the butt but most of the time just there to make me smile and laugh. After opening, I found out that this box was not just from Heather but from other friends as well. All the more to smile about.

Contents (click here for pictures):
50 Hershey Kisses
8 fancy blowers
A pack of birthday napkins and a pack of birthday cups
An easy to identify birthday boy pin
An office decoration party kit
A kiss and a promise package of candy (private story)
50 Hershey Hugs
50 life savers
50 pennies (for my thoughts?)
a 50 Post It Note heart
One Ode to Steve poem from Heather
and birthday cards from a few other great friends

Thank you ladies. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the effort to help me celebrate my 50th birthday remotely!

Keeping Tabs on the Dog

13. March 2010 · Write a comment · Categories: Brewster

Our dog, Brewster, has started wandering. He’s not a very bright dog, just curious as he can be. We have a pond (ironically called a lake) about 100 yards from our property. On occasion, it becomes the temporary home for ducks and geese. Of course, those creatures are not the quietest of birds, so they are easy for Brewster to hear. He just wants to go visit, I suppose. That means that we have to keep an eye on him at all times – and becomes more of a challenge as he gets older and his attitude becomes bolder. The joys of owning a male dog, I presume. Seeing as we simply adore him, we needed to find a way to keep him both in our yard and safe.

We had toyed with getting an invisible-style fence for a while, but not thinking it would actually keep a Golden Retriever in our yard. However, Sue did her research and we decided to go for it. Yesterday, the installation technician came out and installed the wire that surrounds our yard (including through the driveway), and the control panel in the garage. Other than the obvious mistake that he made by connecting it to the circuit that turns off with our garage lights (doh!), he did an excellent job.

We now have the month-long task of working with Brew to make him aware of the perimeter that has been established for him. The collar that he wears has a beeper (first warning) and a mild shock mechanism if he walks through the initial warning. Right now, the collar has a rubberized cover over the connections, so that he will just have the audible clues. In another week or two, we will remove that protection so that he can get the shock if he gets too close. There are flags that are inside of the wire now, also providing a visual cue as to where the safe zone is located. In about 3 weeks, we remove every other flag, then a week later, remove the flags altogether.

My biggest concern is that Brew gets it, and doesn’t freak out the first time he gets shocked. He has established some routines very well in the past (like walking beside someone on the stairs, not pushing past them), so I have hope of this working.

There you have it, puppy. Be safe and enjoy the yard!

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